There Is No Crying In Dating!

on Jun 07 in Front Page, Online Dating by No Ring On This Thing

Some people are amazed at a beautiful piece of art or a well written novel. Others are fascinated at the pyramids or how the sun sets over the ocean. Me? I am always in in awe of a couple in a relationship. I will forever be perplexed as to how two people can fall in love with each other at the same time. It is mystery that is obviously beyond my comprehension.  My experience so far have been, I like him and he only wants a horizontal relationship with me. Or, he likes me and I would rather watch my Dad rub his feet together while he drinks wine and watches Televangelists on TV than go on another date with him. My recent series of dates proves as such…

My last online date called to make a plan, and described the “waning crescent moon” under which he was walking. Quite a lovely evening…he added. Already, I realized he was a bit too mushy for my sarcastic personality.  Unfortunately, I knew that our evening was not going to be as “lovely” for me and my excitement was waning. So already there was a theme.

Upon arrival, he looked around for the “hidden cameras” because he swore that since I worked in Reality TV this was surely a set-up for a dating show. He told me he practiced his big moment and was really looking forward to “ripping on my hair and make-up team.” But since this was a real date (too bad for me), he had to settle on normal conversation. Kind of. He wanted to know what the name of my nail polish was. Apparently, red wasn’t the answer he was looking for. “No! It has to have something really awesome. They all have cool names!” “I think it’s Cosmopolitan Red,” I guessed.  ”I knew it!” Cue the confetti cannon.

He then asked about my parents and when I told him they were happily married for over 44 years he started to cry. Not just welling, but crying with a handkerchief. I tried to make him stop by horrifying him with a story about how my parents recently called me from the parking lot of a sex toy shop. Horny bastards. He thought that was sweet. I decided not to risk pushing this weeper over the edge by telling him how after my mom has one too many vodka tonics, she breaks out her belly dancing moves from the 70′s. Furthermore, I don’t like to replay those memories myself. To end the evening, he bowed and saluted me as my car drove past him on the 3rd level of the parking garage, then on the 2nd, and ran down to the 1st to complete his trio of awkward goodbye gestures. I told him via text the next day we weren’t a match.

Then, a friend set me up with someone she thought would really be great for me. He was cute not pretty, had good ole Southern manners, and said he liked a girl with a big personality and sense of humor. She even warned him I could be a bit crass.  He loved it. But apparently, he didn’t love the date so much because he never called me back. He informed my friend that he thought I was “bored with him.” I feel that whipping out the LA Times during the date would signal being bored, but I didn’t think 4 hours of talking would. And yes, I tried to keep my portion down to a more reasonable 40% which is a big improvement. I do congratulate him though on crafting a polite excuse, but we all know if he thought I was bored he would try and prove otherwise. However, I will accept this fabrication because I am sure the real reason will make me cry like Mr Waning Crescent Moon from above.

As I sat one night, browsing through the emails from other online dating prospects, I found myself talking to their profiles with complete disdain. Wearing lots of man jewelry…next. Pic hugging some hot chick in a bikini…next. Mention of how he doesn’t like blondes but emails me to “give me a shot.” Sigh. What am I doing?!!!

The answer to my frustration came as I looked to cleanse my brain of dating disasters during a diversionary perusal of my Twitter wall. I know it seems lame to get inspiration from a re-tweeted quote on my celebrity crush’s Twitter feed, but let’s not judge. I bet you have tried to find meaning in a fortune cookie message or just added “In bed” after it to make it more exciting. The lightbulb in my head went on as I read Adam Levine from Maroon 5′s tweet. (Seriously, let me be a teenage groupie for a second…it makes me feel young again). It said…

“Life is wasted on the moments we spend waiting in lines, stuck in traffic, and searching for love.”

I couldn’t agree more. I realized I spend much of my time “shopping for men” in the succubus of online dating sites. Yes…sites. I was a multi-site user and even did JDate and I’m not Jewish. But I just love those Jewish men. I think it’s the scruff that gets me every time. But like a glutton at a buffet eventually, they too will say…I think I’ve had enough.

So I deleted my dating profiles, stopped reading people’s Facebook status updates about their amazing boyfriends taking them away to wine country and hunkered down with my sexy little beast, my dog The Edgar. (Pic at right.  Yes…he’s pretty awesome.)

I know what you are going to say…you always meet someone when you are not looking. Luckily, I will get to test that theory because unless the love of my life is a burglar who pries his way into my apartment, then that statement is just something you say to ease the sting. Kind of like when you tell a bride that rain on her wedding day is good luck. Rain will not make a better marriage, not sharing your private parts with people outside the marriage will though. So let’s go with that instead. Hey! Neither of you slept with anyone on your wedding day! That’s a great sign!

I am excited about this next phase of REALLY being single. What will I do with all my free time?! I can’t wait to find out! Although, I will need to get some more batteries.